


Say No to This

by emilzee



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Anxiety, Depression, F/M, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Mutual Pining, Sexuality Crisis
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-20
Updated: 2017-02-22
Packaged: 2018-09-10 16:16:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,870
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8923846
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emilzee/pseuds/emilzee
Summary: Alexander and Eliza have been together since high school, and they are deeply ingrained into each other's lives. The problem with dating in high school is that rarely do you know exactly who you are as a person. When Hamilton learns something that could throw his and Eliza's entire relationship into disarray, he needs to figure out what he wants before he ruins everything.
Meanwhile, John Laurens is grappling with the fact that he's in love with Alexander, but doesn't want to admit it for fear of compromising the dynamic of their friend group, or the seemingly perfect relationship that Alex and Eliza have.





	1. Chapter 1

“Alexander, stop fretting.” Eliza watched from the doorway as her boyfriend scurried around their bedroom, making double and triple sure he had everything, mumbling his supply list under his breath. He punctuated his pacing by stopping in front of the mirror every time he approached it, smoothing his hair, fixing his sweater, checking that his backpack hung just right off his shoulders. This went on for another five minutes before Eliza walked in and slipped her arms around his waist, resting her head on his shoulder and locking eyes with him in the mirror.

“Alex,” Her gaze was soft and loving, she watched for the frenzy in Alex’s eyes to dissipate before continuing. “Why are you so worked up? You weren’t like this on your first day at community college back home.”

“That’s because I didn’t have to _try_ to impress anyone!” Alex broke free of Eliza’s embrace, bending down and check his backpack for the hundredth time. “I already _knew_ I was going to impress _everyone!_ ” He re-zipped his bag and put it back on his shoulders. “Here, people are expecting things from me! I have stories and scholarships to live up to! It’s _different!_ ” He stopped in front of the mirror again. “And what if your friends don’t like me?” He added, mostly to himself.

Eliza sighed and started toward the doorway. “We’ve been over this. There is no possible reality where my friends wouldn't like you. Besides, all this work you’re putting into your first impression is going to mean nothing if you’re late.” A mischievous smile played at the corner of her mouth as she floated out of the room to get their lunches and her own bag. The smile only widened when she heard him scramble out after her, rushing to the door of their small apartment to pull on his shoes and jacket. He stood staring at her as she calmly did the same, making every movement take as long as possible. He was almost vibrating by the time she finished buttoning her coat. “What’s got you all worked up? We still have ten minutes until we’re fifteen minutes early to class.”

Alex’s face contorted in a combination of relief and annoyance. “Why do you always do this to me?”

“Because you fall for it every time,” Eliza chuckled, planting a firm kiss on his lips as he swung open the door. “And it hasn’t stopped being funny yet.”

 

****

 

Alexander sat alone in the empty classroom, waiting for everyone else to show up. His class didn't start for another twenty minutes, but he always liked to be there first. He was glad that Eliza felt the same way about being early; it helped put him at ease and made him feel like less of a weirdo. He opened his planner, his schedule taped to the inside front cover, making sure he was in the right room, that it was the right day, the right time. Once he was certain he was where he was supposed to be, he closed the thin book and slid it up to the edge of the table he was sitting at. He took out his phone and checked the time against the clock on the back wall, then made sure the ringer was set to silent. Pushing his phone back in his pocket, he dragged his planner back across the table, making double sure he was in the right classroom. He repeated this every couple minutes until another person came through the door.

“Oh, it is you! Hello!” A boy walked in with an easy stride, his eyes shining with recognition when they fell on Alexander. He chucked at Alex’s confused look. “I'm Lafayette, one of Eliza’s friends. I am so excited to finally meet you!”

Alex forced his tight lips into a smile as Lafayette rushed over to claim the seat next to his. Eliza didn’t say anything about him having classes with any of her friends. He didn’t want to meet them without her. He was sure he would do something, say the wrong thing, and ruin everything without her there to moderate.

“Eliza has told me so much about you!” Lafayette continued to chatter, his heavily accented English filling the silence in the room. He seemed unaware of Alex’s defensive demeanor. It actually worked wonders on Alex’s nerves. “Is it true that you are going to be a journalist? I cannot say much for the communications department here, but the English department is a dream come true. Soon you will learn.”

“So this _is_ Pre-Romanticism? English 344?” Alex asked, kicking himself for unintentionally ignoring Lafayette’s question.

“Yes, yes it is. This professor is a little...uhm...eccentric?” Lafayette hesitated, like he was searching for the perfect word. “But he is my personal favorite. I am sure you will enjoy him as well.” Lafayette surveyed Alex for the first time since he sat down. He noticed the tidy way all of his things were laid out, the way he sat so formally in his chair, as if he were actually here to learn as much as he could about the subject. “Just don’t be disappointed if we get a little off-topic. It is normal.”

Alex shot him a another confused look, but the professor had walked in the door before he could ask what Lafayette meant, though it didn’t take long for the question to answer itself. The tall man was dressed strangely, a formal blazer clashing harshly with the tattered baseball cap he placed on the table in front of him when he sat down at the front of the room. It was quickly revealed that he didn’t have a syllabus, or anything resembling a plan, when he asked the students what they wanted to read first. Alex looked over at Lafayette, pleading silently for this to not be an indication of how the rest of the semester would play out. Lafayette chuckled at Alexander’s exasperated expression, scribbling beautifully loopy cursive in the margin of his notebook.

_I warned you not to be disappointed. Just relax and have fun._

 Alex was having a hard time washing the disbelief off his face. He debated for a moment before picking up his pencil and writing his response.

_Okay. I’m trusting you on this._

 An elated grin overtook Lafayette’s face before both boys’ attention was turned back to the front of the room, the professor leaning back casually in his chair, laughing loudly about a question he was asked. “Y’know, they’ll give you a PhD, but you’re still just making shit up all the time.”

Alex saw Lafayette giggle to himself and quickly jot down the quote in the margin of his notes, which were otherwise nonexistent. Alex found himself observing Lafayette for the rest of the class, silently hoping that the other boy didn’t notice. He didn’t get this far by copying other people, but he felt like he needed to impress Lafayette, for Eliza’s sake, and he was so lost with this professor’s teaching style - or lack thereof - that he felt justified in taking a few cues from someone who was more experienced.

The two shuffled out of the classroom an hour and a half later with instructions to read half of a novella by next meeting, and still no idea what the class was about. “What are you doing right now?” Lafayette asked as they descended the stairs on their way out of the building. “Do you have some free time?”

“Yeah. I don’t have another class until 1:45.”

“Wonderful!” Lafayette jumped over the bottom two steps, turning and waiting for Alex to join him in the little foyer by the front door of the building. “You should join me in the lounge, then. You will meet a few more friends, yes?”

Alex nodded, quickly pulling out his phone to text Eliza. He felt that he did okay in meeting Lafayette on his own, but that’s because they spent the majority of class not talking to each other. He didn’t have a chance to say anything that would ruin the image Eliza had painted of him with the stories she told. He didn’t think he could achieve the same result in a casual social setting, where he was bound to be bombarded with questions. He kept trying to word his text right, typing and retyping as he trailed cautiously behind Lafayette. By the time they had reached the lounge and he was about to hit send, he looked up to see Eliza sitting on one of the plush chairs arranged in a circle in the corner of the room. He walked quickly past Lafayette, closing the distance between himself and his love with a quick kiss to her forehead. Making himself comfortable on the arm of the chair, his arm draped around Eliza’s shoulders, Alex surveyed the inhabitants of the other chairs. He recognized a few faces from group photos Eliza showed him, was able to put some faces to the stories she’d told him over the past two years. It was nice, like putting enough pieces of a puzzle together where you start to get a sense of what the picture is.

“Alexander,” Eliza cleared her throat once Lafayette took a seat in the large lap of a bandana-clad boy. “I would like to introduce you to an incomplete, yet representative, selection of the jolly group of miscreants I’ve come to call my friends.” She smiled knowingly at the group of people around her, feeling a surge of pride in those she chose to surround herself with. She started immediately to her left. “This is Maria Reynolds, my lovely roommate from freshman year and fellow education major.” Maria did the best curtsey she could manage while still remaining seated. Alexander smiled pleasantly at her. Eliza took a breath to continue, immediately cut off by Lafayette’s chair.

“I’m Hercules Mulligan,” the large boy boomed, a cocky smile devouring his face. “I need no introduction.” The rest of the group laughed, Alex allowing himself to join in.

“True, true,” Eliza said when the laughter quieted. “And you’re already acquainted with Lafayette, I see.” Lafayette bowed his head, gesturing toward himself dramatically. “And last, but most certainly not least, we have our resident art major, John ‘Three Ounces of Whoop-ass’ Laurens.” John locked eyes with Alexander, an exaggerated shrug all he could manage, accompanied by a look of pride.

“What’s with all the ruckus over here?” A small, shy voice piped up from behind Hercules. Everyone turned to see that it belonged to an equally small, shy boy.

“Ah, Philip!” Eliza exclaimed. “I was just introducing everyone to Alexander, my boyfriend. Alexander,” she paused for effect, “This is Philip, a freshman English major. I met him when I helped on move-in day, and he’s in my morning class as well.” She looked lovingly up at Alexander. “Isn’t he just precious?”

Alex chuckled, seeing Philip’s face turn red at the comment. It only helped prove Eliza’s point. He wasn’t surprised that she had made a new friend so quickly. Every time they spoke on the phone during the two years she was here, she seemed to mention a new name when she spoke of her various antics with her friends. He knew she meant it when she said that the group he was just introduced to was only the surface of the sea of faces and names he’d have to remember. Still, he finally felt like he was part of her life again, like they were dating for real - even though they’d been together for five years. All of Alexander’s fears of her moving on and leaving him for someone else melted away. He remembered that Eliza had enough love in her to go around, but she still chose to give the best of it to Alexander, and to him, that was definitely enough.


	2. Chapter 2

Feeling refreshed after lunch, Alexander insisted that he didn’t need Eliza to walk him to his next class. She only had one today, so he told her to stay with her friends in the dining hall, that he’d be fine. Laf and Herc had used their guest passes to let them in just so they could all hang out, and he didn’t want their kindness to go to waste for his sake. He gave Eliza a quick kiss before heading out, eliciting a chorus of whistles and jeers from her friends. She stuck her tongue out at them, wishing Alexander a good time in class.

He plodded down the stairs, a smile plastered to his face. As he made his way down the hallway, he heard feet rushing behind him, a winded voice saying “Hey! Wait up!” Alex turned his head as he walked, seeing one of Eliza’s friends pushing through the doors of the small cafe attached to the lounge, dodging chairs and laptop charging cables to catch Alex before he headed out the door. _What was his name again?_ Alex kicked himself for forgetting already.

“Alexander!” He put his hands on his thighs, catching his breath. Alex had stopped just outside the door of the recreational building, looking at his watch. He still had twenty minutes until class was supposed to start, but he needed to make this quick. “Hey, where are you headed?” The other boy asked.

“The communications building across the street. What about you?”

“I’m in the art building over there too! Let’s walk together?” The boy had an easy smile, the afternoon sun accentuating the freckles on his tan skin. Alex took a minute to put together some pieces before responding. _Art major...resident art major...has as much fight as he has freckles...John Laurens!_

“Sure, John. I’d like that.” The smile on Laurens’ face brightened as they made their way through the crowd sifting into the main academic building. They walked in silence until they reached the crosswalk, stopping to wait for the light to change. Alex drummed thoughtlessly on the button, making John laugh.

“Eliza did the same thing her first few weeks here. You know it doesn’t make it change any faster, right?”

“Really?” Alex was genuinely ignorant to this fact. He had grown up in a more rural area that didn’t even have traffic lights, let alone crosswalks. He wasn’t surprised Eliza did the same, though she lived in a city her entire life. She had an almost childish worldview sometimes, which Alex found charming more than anything.

“Man, you’re gonna learn a lot more than just journalism in your time here, I can tell.” John laughed, nudging Alex with his shoulder. The light finally changed and the two trotted across the street, their steps in time with the beeping of the crossing light.

John followed Alex to the communications center, idly rambling about all the quirks of the city, even though he had to pass by the art building to do so. Alex stopped at the sidewalk in front of the door and looked down at his watch. Class started in fifteen minutes, and even though part of him was screaming that he was late, he ignored it. He didn’t want to come off as strange by cutting off their conversation in favor of sitting in an empty classroom.

“You should come out with Laf, Herc and I one night. I can promise you that the nightlife here is 250 times better than at your old school.” John saw the torn look on Alex’s face, quickly snapping into damage control. “Not to say that your old school was _bad_! I mean...if you aren’t much of a partier I’m sure there’s a lot of other fun stuff to do around here...I guess when you aren’t busy with class and stuff…” He trailed off, rubbing at the back of his neck as he spoke. Alex giggled in response.

“It’s true I’m not much of a partier, but that’s just because there’s no such thing as a ‘nightlife’ where I’m from. I’d love to give it a try, though.” Alex was glad to see John’s sudden nerves give way, his shoulders slipping back into an easy slouch. “That being said, I should probably get to class. Don’t wanna be late on my first day.”

“Sure, sure.” John said, turning toward the art building. “I’ll see you tomorrow, right?”

“Yeah, of course.” Alex waved, watching John cross the parking lot and enter the building through a side door. He turned and walked to class, his anxieties temporarily silenced by the smile he couldn’t wipe from his face.

 

*****

 

After class, Alex headed straight home, to the apartment he shared with Eliza. She was so excited to have scored a relatively cheap place not even a block away from campus. It was small, and on the third floor, and Alex was certain the appliances hadn’t been updated since the 70’s, but he was still proud to call it home. He trudged up the two flights of stairs, catching his breath as he fiddled with the key in the lock, and felt the same surge of pride as the day they had first set foot inside after signing the lease. He felt like he was finally an adult. He had bills to pay and dishes to wash and laundry to do; and to top it off, he had a wonderful girlfriend to share all of these new responsibilities with.

“Hey! How was class?” Eliza’s desk chair squeaked as she turned toward the door, the music from her laptop barely audible from where Alex stood.

“Ah, y’know. Media ethics.” Alex shrugged off his coat and hung it behind the door, setting his bag down near the bedroom. “The professor’s a real doom-and-gloom type, like, making one tiny little moral compromise in one article is going to ruin your entire career forever. Has he even _seen_ a tabloid? Those people still have jobs and all they do violate ethics.” He walked past Eliza as he ranted, stopping to kiss the crown of her head before plopping himself down on the couch and stretching out. “So, do we have any plans for tonight?”

Eliza turned her chair so she was facing Alex, who had already pulled a blanket around him and shut his eyes. “Well, there’s nothing really happening tonight, but we have an open invitation to Laf, Herc and John’s dorm, and since it’s so early in the semester, nobody really has anything to do. We could invite everyone over here?”

“Mmm…” Alex said, nodding off. “If I stay here I’ll fall asleep.” He turned around on the sofa, burying himself into the corner where the two cushions met. “So comfy.” The muffled words barely made it to Eliza’s ears.

“C’mon, two classes have you worn out that bad?” Eliza chided, pushing herself out of her chair and sitting on the surprising amount of couch cushion that Alexander’s slim frame didn’t take up. She smoothed his hair before planting a kiss on the back of his head. “That’s not the Alex I know.” A low, unintelligible mumble came from the wedge of the couch. Eliza rubbed Alex’s back, “What was that?”

Slowly, Alex pushed himself up so he was sitting, then curled his legs close to him, wrapping the blanket around himself and resting his chin on his knees. “I didn’t sleep last night.” He saw Eliza’s expression fall, then turned his gaze toward a small patch of floor. “I haven’t really been sleeping all week,” he said quickly. He hated admitting when he couldn’t properly take care of himself.

“Why didn’t you wake me up if you couldn’t sleep? I’m right next to you all night, just give me a nudge.” The concern in Eliza’s voice was kind, though that didn’t stop Alex from hearing _‘It’s your fault, you could have done something but you chose to be self destructive. Now I can’t go be with my friends because of you.’_ He took a moment to push aside what he heard, and focused on what she said before replying.

“But you work so early most days. And yesterday was the first day of classes, and I didn’t want you to be groggy all day because of me.”

“Alex honey, I would rather fall asleep at my register than have you sit up suffering all night by yourself. I want to help you, any way that I can. You can wake me up, you have my permission.” She saw Alexander open his mouth to protest, but cut him off. “No matter the time, okay?” Her face was stern but soft, an expression that Alex hadn’t seen anyone else pull off more effectively than Eliza.

Alex sunk back into the couch and nodded before settling his chin back on his knees and closing his eyes. Eliza stood and went to rummage through her bag, pulling out a book and a pencil and returning to the couch. She snuggled up against Alexander, adjusting the blanket so it covered both of them.

“I have some reading to do for class, so why don’t you take a nap, and when you wake up we’ll see who’s around and maybe go get dinner? Does that sound good?”

“Yeah,” Alex managed, his lack of sleep combined with the exhaustion of having to find his academic and social footing finally catching up to him, making it impossible for him to keep his eyes open. _She’s mad at you for being such a baby. She’d probably be out having fun right now if you weren’t here. You’re just a burden._ Alex sat with the thought for a while, too exhausted to fight it. He focused for a moment on the quiet music still coming from Eliza’s computer speakers, letting the mellow tones guide the thought out of his head, until his mind was clear and he could drift off to sleep.


	3. Chapter 3

The familiar jangling of Eliza’s bracelets eased Alexander awake. He loved to just lay in bed, eyes fluttering open and closed, watching Eliza get ready. She moved quietly through the bedroom, neatly unfolding her uniform, getting changed, brushing her hair, applying her makeup. He felt comfort in the familiarity,  but he couldn’t ignore the knot growing in his stomach.  _ Something isn’t right. Something isn’t right. Something isn’t right!  _ The words played on loop in his head, filling it until they overflowed into his throat, pooling in his lungs and absorbing any oxygen before it could do him any good. His chest caved when he tried to breathe, trying to physically dislodge the blockage that only existed in his mind. He lay paralyzed under the covers, his eyes fixed on Eliza as she rummaged through her makeup bag for a foundation brush, quietly humming to herself. He tried to find some calm in her presence, but his head was spinning and his body was shaking and he wanted to scream in frustration. He clenched his jaw and dug his nails into his his palms, trying to focus on keeping himself together.

“Oh, you’re awake.” Eliza’s voice snapped him out of himself. He bolted upright, both the sudden movement and the sudden disappearance of his thoughts making his head spin. He massaged his temples with one hand, the other laying limp at his side. “Alex, are you okay?” Eliza sat next to him on the bed, placing a hand on his thigh. Alex appreciated the grounding gesture. “I didn’t mean to startle you.”

“No, I just…” His voice cracked, and all he could manage afterward was a sigh. Just a second ago his mind was a hornet’s nest of activity, and now it was an empty void. He had no thoughts, no words, no idea how to explain what just happened, even if he wanted to try.

“Hey,” Eliza placed a gentle hand under Alexander’s chin, forcing his blank gaze up to focus on her face. “Did you have a bad dream?” 

Alex stared for a moment, slowly reuniting his mind and his body. He nodded, silently thanking her for an easy excuse.

“Do you wanna talk about it?” She was almost certain what the answer was going to be, but asked the question anyway. Alex shook his head, letting his eyes fall shut. He was exhausted even though he just woke up. “Okay. I have to go to work now. Are you going to be alright if I go?” She watched the question pour over Alexander’s face.

“Work? You don’t have work tonight, do you?” He tried to put together the pieces. He was just supposed to take a nap and then they were gonna go get dinner. She didn’t mention work at all, he was sure of it.

“Hon, it’s morning. You slept all night. I almost had to drag you off the couch to get you to bed. You don’t remember?” She cupped Alex’s face in her hands, stroking his cheekbones with her thumbs. 

No matter how hard he tried, the last thing Alex could remember was falling asleep on the couch, Eliza pressed into his side. He sank into Eliza’s touch, wishing he could melt into her warmth and disappear. She pulled his face towards her own and kissed him softly, then pressed their foreheads together, dropping her hands to his. 

“It’s okay if you want to stay home today. I’ll come back here between work and class, it’s no problem.”

“No, no.” Alex shook his head, pulling away from Eliza and squeezing her hands. “I want to go. I’ll see you for lunch?” He forced a smile on his face, relieved when she matched it and stood to leave. He unwrapped himself from the blankets and followed her to the door.

“Text me if you change your mind, okay?” She kissed him as she opened the door, then again when she stepped outside of it. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” Alex said, punctuated by another kiss. “Have a good day at work.”

“Oh, I’ll try.” Eliza chuckled and trotted down the stairs. Alex stood in the doorway watching her descent. When she reached the landing, she looked up and blew him a kiss, waving before continuing down to the entryway. Alex smiled and waited until he heard the front door close before re-entering the apartment and locking the door behind him. 

He stared blankly at the livingroom for a moment, still trying to remember moving from the couch to the bed last night, but it was useless. He felt the tug of his thoughts starting to pull him out of reality, but he shook them out of his head and started to get ready for the day. It was only 6:45 in the morning and he didn’t have class until nine, but he had gotten more sleep last night than he had in the past week, so he wasn’t tired at all. He moved back and forth from the bathroom to the bedroom, stopping in the kitchen for a granola bar before grabbing his backpack and leaving the apartment. The library didn’t open until eight, but it was a nice enough day that he could sit outside until then.

The city outside was still relatively quiet, the morning rush of traffic hadn’t started yet, and many of the businesses on his block were still closed. He crossed the street and passed the sign on the beautifully landscaped corner that marked one of the boundaries of the campus. One of the reasons this was Eliza’s first choice school (other than the excellent education program) was the fact that it was hard to discern where the college stopped and the regular city began. Alex passed countless houses that had been converted into dorms and administrative buildings, all keeping their original architecture. It only really started to look like a real college when he turned down a small sidewalk that lead to the campus quad. 

Dew still clung to the manicured grass Alex trekked across on his journey to the library. He stopped at one of the picnic tables peppering the area, debating whether or not he wanted to sit there or on the bench in front of the library’s entrance. He decided on the picnic table and  plopped his backpack down next to him on the top of the table, resting his feet on the bench. A few unlucky students headed toward the academic building, dragging themselves past him to their early classes. Athletes headed to the recreational building to get their workout in before breakfast, and Alex just sat for a moment, watching the campus slowly start to wake up around him. The bells inside the sanctuary started tolling the hour, resonating through the whole campus. Alex sat and counted each ring to himself, trying to imagine a time when people had to rely on the chimes to know what time it was.

When the bells stopped, Alex pulled out his planner and looked at the assignments he had so far. The half of the novella would be a quick read, and he decided to start there to give himself a boost of accomplishment for the morning. Besides, he needed to keep up with this class, seeing as how he couldn’t use the syllabus to get ahead if he wanted to. He reached back into his bag and was just about to crack open the book when he caught a figure jogging toward him out of the corner of his eye.

“Alex!” Laurens slowed down as he approached, hopping up on the table next to Alexander. “What’re you doing up so early?”

“Oh, Eliza had to get up for work, and I couldn’t get back to sleep, so I figured I’d get some fresh air.” He raised the book in his hand so it caught John’s eye. “Maybe get some reading done. What about you?” Alex took in Lauren’s appearance. His unbrushed hair was tied back in a ponytail, and he wore a loose-fitting tank top, basketball shorts and sneakers.  
“Herc snores like a log splitter, and I haven’t quite gotten used to it again. I was getting very close to actually smothering him with my pillow, so I decided to go for a jog instead.” He gestured toward his appearance and chuckled.

“Well, anything to prevent a homicide,” Alex laughed, thumbing through his book absentmindedly.

“Yeah, don’t need to give my dad another reason to be disappointed in me.” John said, keeping the same joking tone and easy smile as before, but Alex sensed there was something buried deep under that demeanor that John didn’t want anyone to know about. Alex filed that gut feeling away for another time.

“It is a beautiful morning for a jog, though.” Alex kept his tone light, not wanting to put John on the defensive in any way. “I wish I were athletic.”

“Me too.” John laughed. Alex gave him a confused look, which only made him laugh harder. “I actually can’t run for shit. ‘Going for a jog’ just sounds nicer than ‘jogging for five minutes then getting a cramp, giving up and going home.’” He put his hands behind him on the table, slouching down into the support. “I’m actually glad I ran into you, I’d much rather sit and chat for a while.” He looked over at Alexander, who was fiddling mindlessly with the book in his hands, the tight, polite smile on his face not reaching his eyes. “I mean, if you’re cool with chatting, that is. I didn’t mean to interrupt you.”

Alex waved off the comment, the tightness in his features immediately melting away. “Nah, you aren’t interrupting.” He put the book back in his backpack. “Besides, if I really wanted to get some reading done, I would have just stayed home. I think I was looking for ways to distract myself." The half of his brain that wasn’t formulating four different backup plans for getting the reading done was screaming at him for making the decision to shirk of his homework in favor of socializing.

“Then I guess we’re perfect for each other.” John said suggestively, reaching out and placing his hand on Alex’s. 

“I..uh…” Alex began, not knowing how to respond. John just stared deep into Alex’s eyes, every second of silence between them making Alex more and more uncomfortable. Eventually, a smile crept onto John’s face, and he pulled his hand away to hold his stomach as he started laughing.

“Sorry man, I couldn’t resist,” he wiped tears from his eyes, a few stray chuckles escaping him. “But your face was priceless!” 

Relief washed over Alex’s face.As awkward as it made him feel in the moment, after he regained his bearings the joke proved to be a great ice breaker. Their conversation flowed smoothly, jumping from topic to topic. Alex’s normal anxieties and hesitations were muted as he shared stories about his family, how he first met Eliza, the differences between this school and the one he transferred from. He was surprised at how easy it was to talk to John, like catching up with an old friend. 

The sanctuary bells tolled the hour, interrupting John mid-sentence. Alex looked at his phone, not being patient enough to wait and count the rings. It was already eight, though it felt like he’d just sat down. He looked behind him to see someone unlocking the library doors. He knew that he would regret not using this chance to go and get at least a little bit of work done, and as much as he wanted to stay, he didn’t want to have to deal with himself later. He grabbed his bag from beside him and put it in his lap.

“I should probably go get some reading done before class.” He nodded toward the library, apology filling his voice.

“That’s cool, that’s cool.” John hopped down off the picnic table. “Thanks for being my distraction for a while.” 

“Yeah, it was nice talking with you.” Alex followed him off the table, slowly backing toward the library as they wrapped up the conversation.

“Hey, you should come over tonight. Herc and I just got our computers set up, and we’re gonna see how much stuff we can torrent before ITS cuts off our internet access.” John rubbed his hands together mischievously. “I mean, as long as you and ‘Liza don’t have plans or something.” 

“I’ll ask her at lunch, but I’m pretty sure we aren’t doing anything. I’ll text you when I find out.”

“Sounds good, man. Just get my number from Eliza.” John waved and started trotting across the quad, back to his dorm.

Alex waved back, a smile on his face as he headed into the library. An old film projector started it’s playback of the last hour of conversation in his mind, and he took a seat in one of the cushioned armchairs near the reference desk. He got settled and pulled out his book, but found himself just staring blankly at the first page. He cringed as he thought about some of the stories he'd just told, not that they were incriminating or inherently very interesting at all, but that he told them so openly, went on about something for too long, the one point where he had cut John off because he was too eager to share his own experience. He tried to remember John's reactions, any body language that should have tipped him off, but all that came back was the genuine smile on his face the whole time.  _ He was just being polite. You were rambling and he was just waiting for you to shut up.  _

Alex shook his head, knowing the thought was nonsense. He moved his book closer to his face, hoping it would force him to concentrate. The first sentence didn’t make sense at all, and the more he reread it, the less sense it made. He wanted to throw the book across the library.  _ I can’t even read a stupid book right!  _ He wanted to scream. He wondered if this was normal, obsessing over every interaction to the point of mental fatigue. The urge to slink back home and lay in bed for the rest of the day nagged at him. He had Eliza’s permission, but he couldn’t. Doing it would be admitting defeat, letting the constant, growing knot in his stomach win.  _ It’s not that bad. I can get through this.  _ A shaky breath escaped him as he tried to convince himself that that was really the truth.


	4. Chapter 4

John quietly ascended the squeaky, old stairs of his dorm hall. It was a small white house, one of the few all-boy’s dorms on campus. He tiptoed down the hallway to the room he shared with Lafayette and Hercules. He was glad he got to share a room with two of his best friends, even though it was a little cramped for the three of them. As he approached, he heard the low bass of Lafayette’s music seeping out of the room. When he opened the door, he was greeted with the sight of Laf, shirtless, twirling around the little bit of floor space he could find in the room.

“Ah, John! Welcome back!” Laf had to practically yell to be heard over his music, and John shut the door quickly behind him as to minimize the annoyance to the rest of the students on their floor. John looked over to the bunk bed he shared with Hercules, to find the large boy curled up facing the wall, clutching his pillow over his ears.

“My love says he requires some more rest, but I simply cannot start the day in utter silence.” Lafayette spun over to Herc’s bed and landed a gentle kiss on his exposed shoulder. A low groan made its way out from under the pillow as Hercules pressed it closer to his face. “And this new album that I found just puts me in the fighting spirit! It really get’s me in the mood to attack whatever adversaries I may face today!” He continued dancing around the room, throwing in some punches and kicks with his pirouettes and elegant jumps.

John walked over to Laf’s desk, turning down the volume on his radio to a reasonable level before hopping skillfully up onto the top bunk. Lafayette’s high-pitched whine somehow harmonized wonderfully with the grateful grunt from Hercules. John just shrugged, turning so his legs were hanging down off the bed, observing the room as though from a watchtower. “I’m gonna have to side with Herc on this one, man. I need a little more shut-eye myself.”

“Ah, if we could all be so lucky,” Laf tsked, running a comb through his bouncy curls. “Not everyone can enjoy having classes only two days a week.”

“It’s not luck, it’s planning. Not everyone takes every single elective possible. Most of us choose to focus on our major.” John mocked. Lafayette stuck out his tongue as he pulled his hair back into a fluffy ponytail.

“But the faculty here is so full of knowledge! It would be a waste if I just sat around all day when I could be learning so many things! What is college for if not absorbing all you can?”

“It’s for having the freedom to make your own schedule,” John retorted.

“And sleeping.” Hercules mumbled from below.

“Ah well, do not come to me when you look back on this time with regret, my friends.” Lafayette pulled a tight-fitting v-neck over his head and hoisted his bag onto his shoulder. “I will be back after dinner, I have many classes today.”

“Make sure you are,” John started. “I invited Alexander over here tonight to hang out.”

Lafayette stopped in the middle of the doorway. “Ah! Little Alex! It will be so nice to talk with him again. We already knew this, but he proves that our Eliza has impeccable taste.” He gave John a thumbs up and closed the door behind him. John stretched out on his bed, pulling the soft quilt his mom made him up to his shoulders. Laf’s upbeat pop music still poured from his ancient stereo, but he didn’t mind it so much. He heard Herc shuffle around underneath him, reminding John that he should try to fall asleep as soon as possible before he started to snore again. He ran quickly through his conversation with Alex, smiling at how enthusiastic he was about whatever he talked about. He let that smile stay there as he drifted off.

 

*****

 

A vibration in the pocket of his shorts awoke John from his nap. He groggily pulled his phone out and set it next to his face, unlocking it to see an unread text message

**[Unknown Number] -** Hey John, it’s Alex.

John quickly added the number to his contacts, debating for a minute if he should come up with a nickname for him now, or let one happen more naturally later.

**John -** Hey man. What’s the verdict on tonight?  
**Alexander -** We don’t have anything planned. Eliza has to go back to work after dinner anyway, so I’m free.  
**John -** Alright! It’ll be a blast. I can’t wait!  
**Alexander -** Me either. Where should I meet you?  
**John -** I’ll tell Laf to grab you in the main lounge around 7?  
**Alexander -** Sounds good. :)

After sending a quick text to Laf to inform him of the plans, he locked his phone and shut his eyes. He listened, trying to figure out if Herc was still in the room. He rolled over and stuck his head down just enough to see the bunk below him. It was empty, which made sense. Even if he didn’t have class, Herc always met up with Lafayette for lunch. When they started dating at the beginning of sophomore year, John thought it would be weird living with them, but despite the overt affection they show each other in public, they mostly keep to themselves when they’re in the room, at least when John was there.

John pushed himself from where he was positioned, achieving something resembling a front flip off the bed, bending his knees as he landed, then sliding into a cross-legged position on the floor. It probably looked ridiculous, but he always felt really cool when he pulled off some weird maneuver like that. He sat in the middle of the room, not quite knowing what he wanted to do next. He felt in his pocket for his phone before remembering he left it up on his bed. Letting his gaze wander, it fell on his backpack, and he knew he should do some homework or something, but he just didn’t have the energy. It was well past noon, but all he wanted to do was climb up and go back to sleep. A low gurgle of protest came from his stomach, and he just stared down at it.

Reluctantly, he pushed himself off the floor, dragging himself to his desk and curling up in the chair. He pulled out one of the snack-sized bags of popcorn his sister Martha put in the little care package she made him, wrestling it open and shoving a handful of kernels in his mouth. His monitor blinked on when he pushed the mouse, the video he was watching the night before was still loaded on the screen. He smacked the space bar and positioned himself so his chin was resting on his knees, half watching the Sims let’s play on his screen, half mindlessly enjoying the way his head moved as he chewed.

When the video ended, he just stared at the screen. His head felt fuzzy again, like it had when he woke up the first time. The only reason he got up then was in an attempt to clear his mind, believing he could take some positive control of his life for once. And he genuinely was grateful to have run into Alexander, for the same reason he was grateful to have Lafayette as a roommate: a welcome, positive distraction. That hour-long conversation allowed John to focus on something, _someone,_ other than himself for a change. When he was alone, it was hard to keep his thoughts away from how awful he felt, even if he wasn’t feeling particularly awful at the time. All he had to do was just go to the dining hall and be around his friends and he’d feel better, but even thinking about putting in that much effort made him curl further into the hard plastic desk chair.

John should have known that making his schedule so only had classes two days a week would lead to this, but he somehow convinced himself that this year would be different. He was going to use all of the extra time he had to focus on himself, really put his all into his work and maybe finish all of those personal projects he’d started over the last few years. _It’s only the second day of the semester, and I’ve already broken all of those promises I made myself._ Tugging out the band holding his ponytail together, he rand his hands through his hair and sighed. He let his mind go blank for a few minutes, feeling the emptiness physically filling his skull.

Suddenly, as if struck by lightning, he hopped out of his chair and grabbed his backpack, laying all of his notebooks and folders out on his desk. He pulled out the textbook for his graphic design class and stared at the introductory tutorial for Photoshop, which his professor recommended everyone do as a refresher, imagining himself completing each step, but never putting his hand anywhere near the mouse. Resting his head on the glossy pages, he let his arms drop to his side with an exasperated sigh. The spark that hit him was extinguished just as quickly as it was lit, and he felt even worse in its absence. _Why can’t I just do this?_ He lifted his head slightly and let it drop back onto the textbook with a dulled thud.

Not even knowing where to start to answer that question, he gave in and slunk back up to his bed, squeezing his eyes shut to block out the mid-afternoon sun that poured into the room. The nothingness that engulfed his brain pushed against his eardrums, resonating like a low, strong timpani beat as it threatened to spill out of him. He clutched his head between his hands, drawing his knees to his chest. Every muscle in him tensed as he lay on the bed, bracing himself against himself, wishing there was a single useful thing he could do about this situation. Instead he just let the minutes pass, each one growing longer until he was physically exhausted, finally allowing sleep to take control.

 

*****

 

“Johnny boy, you still asleep?” Hercules rested his arms on the frame of John’s bunk, barely on his tiptoes.

“No.” John opened his eyes slowly, staring at Herc, who had his eyebrow cocked knowingly.

“Alright, sure. But you should probably at least get dressed. Laf insisted on walking Eliza to work after dinner so he and Alex could grab some snacks for tonight, so we’ve got about half an hour before they get back here.” He watched John stretch, rub his eyes, and check the time on his phone. “You doing alright? Do you wanna cancel?”

“No, no. I’m all good. Just reveling in not having a routine again.” John chuckled, shooing Herc away from the side of his bed so he could get down. Part of him couldn’t believe he’d spent all day sleeping, but it wasn’t like he’d had anything else planned anyway.

By the time he had showered, gotten dressed and cleaned off his desk, John could hear Laf chattering as he bounced up the stairs. The door swung open and Lafayette entered holding two plastic bags over his head.

“We have arrived! And we brought snacks!” He walked over and set the bags down on his bed. Alex stood in the doorway, holding another plastic bag. “Come in Alex, do not be shy!” Laf rushed over and dragged Alex into the room, shutting the door behind them.

“Alex!” Herc swiveled around in his chair, closing the marketing textbook he’d been flipping through. “Glad to see you survived a grocery shopping trip with Laf.”

“Hey, I am a master at grocery shopping. Have you forgotten the time I climbed up the shelves to get you the last bag of cracked pepper popcorn you adore? Or when you ran out of meal passes and I was able to get you forty-four dollars worth of food for seventeen?” Lafayette stuck out his tongue and tossed a giant can of iced tea in Herc’s general direction. “You would be lost without me.” He stuck his hands on his hips and scoffed.

“In more ways than one, babe.” Herc stood and snaked his arms lovingly around his boyfriend’s waist, Lafayette readily nuzzling his face into Herc’s chest.

John looked over at Alex and made a gagging motion, eliciting a chuckle from the smaller boy. “That’s enough of that, you two. We have a guest.” He motioned for Alex to take a seat at Laf’s desk, which was between his and Herc’s. Alex set down the bag he’d been carrying and timidly took a seat, looking around the small room. A bright light coming from under Lafayette’s bed seemed to catch his eye.

“I didn’t know you were allowed to have pets in the dorms.” Alex said, mostly to John, but Lafayette responded with a dramatic sigh.

“We are not supposed to, but John insists that we can get away with it.”

“Because we can!” John defended. “I got through move-in day and _two_ dorm inspections so far, and the RA hasn’t said a word.” John looked over at the tank lovingly, then quickly jumped out of his seat. “Ah junk, I forgot to feed her this afternoon. I’m sorry Shelly!”

Alex couldn’t help the chuckle that escaped him when he heard the name. He didn’t know John very well yet, but he couldn’t imagine someone as cool as him coming up with such a childish name for a pet. John met Alex’s gaze, his face serious for a moment, before he chuckled in kind.

“Yeah, it’s a pretty silly name,” He started, pulling a head of lettuce out of the mini fridge next to the tank and ripping bits off of it. “My little sister named her as soon as she saw her, and I couldn’t bring myself to change it.” He smiled as he set the pile of lettuce on the cooler side of her habitat. Alex hesitated for a second before walking over and kneeling down next to John so he could see inside the large storage container that acted as a tank. Shelly, a small, black and yellow box turtle, ambled over to the pile of greens and started munching happily at them. John stared lovingly down at her as she ate, giving a glimpse into a side of John that Alex was sure a lot of people never got to see. Eliza’s stories always depicted him as the tough guy, the rebel, someone who would do anything to defend his friends or just antagonize his enemies. Alex got that vibe from him from afar, something John probably worked hard to achieve, but today, both now and when they were talking earlier, he felt something entirely different, something he couldn’t quite place.

“I thought that tonight was a computer night?” Lafayette placed a hand on John and Alex’s backs, using them for support as he crouched down behind them. “I know you are proud of your secret turtle, but I need you guys to find some films for me that I’ve been just dying to see.”

“Are they French?” John asked, brushing Laf’s hand away and standing up.

“Is that even a question?” Herc reasoned, turning back toward his computer and pulling up the torrent website they used. “What is it this time?”

“Just the famous Georges Melies’ collection of short films.” Lafayette hopped up onto his bed. “There are many, but I wish to see something other than _A Trip to the Moon._ My grandmother grew up watching these films, and with her recent passing I would like to honor her memory by keeping these little stories she loved in my mind.” A somber look passed over Laf’s face at the mention of his grandma, but it passed quickly when he saw the results of Herc’s search. “Oh my! There are so many links! Are they all good? Do I have enough hard drive space for every one of them?” He leaned almost all the way off his bed, his face just inches away from Herc’s monitor, some combination of balance, excitement, and luck keeping him from falling.

“Calm down, calm down. I won’t be able to answer anything if I can’t see the screen.” Herc pushed Laf’s face away, holding it at arm’s length while he scrolled through the links on the screen. “It looks like a lot of them are repeats, but there are also a few ‘complete collections’ we can try out.”

“You’re so excitable, Laf,”John laughed. “You remind me of Mary Eleanor sometimes.” Laf stuck out his tongue at John before returning his attention to Herc’s computer.

“Who’s Mary Eleanor?” Alex asked quietly. He had been watching the whole exchange with an amused smile on his face. He loved how much he could learn about people through their relationship with others.

“She’s my baby sister, the one who named my turtle. She just turned five over the summer. Her and Laf share a lot of similar qualities.” John looked over at Lafayette, who was pointedly ignoring him. “You should see them when we video chat, it’s like they’re talking into a mirror,” he whispered. Alex’s smile widened, letting his imagination run with the image. John turned toward his own computer, wiggling the mouse to bring it to life. “Did you have anything you would want to download? Movies, games, TV shows? Not to brag, but Herc and I can find pretty much anything.” He puffed out his chest proudly, Herc laughing and doing the same.

“Oh, no. At least I can’t think of anything right now.” Alex responded, not even knowing where to start when given the nearly infinite list of possibilities he could choose from.

“Man!” Herc exclaimed. “They’re really on their game this semester!”

“Are we cut off already?” The disappointment in John’s voice was palpable.

“Were you at least able to get my films?” Laf chimed in.

“Just barely.” Herc shook his head. “Right as the download finished, my internet cut out.”

“Whoever they have over in ITS now is a damn wizard.” John pushed his chair back and slunk down in it. “Shit, man. I had a bunch of games I wanted to download tonight, too.”

“What do we do now?” Alex asked, even though he wasn’t totally sure what they were doing in the first place. Other than the basics and what he needed to get through his classes, Alex didn’t really know much about computers, so most of what Herc and John were talking about went over his head. The three roommates started discussing possibilities, bouncing ideas off each other as if they all shared the same thoughts. Alex got lost in the flow of their conversation, not knowing who was addressing who. He caught himself drifting into his own thoughts and tried to refocus on the conversation, shifting in his seat. His phone buzzed in his pocket, and he debated whether it would be rude to pull it out and check what it was. John and Laf were debating intensely if playing a videogame or watching a movie would be more inclusive, while Herc had tuned them out and was trying to find a way to get the internet working again. Alex decided it would be okay to just peek at his phone, but when he saw it was a text from Eliza he knew he had to respond.

**Eliza <3: **Hey, love. I know you’re hanging out with the boys, but I just wanted to let you know I’m done earlier than I expected. Let me know when you’re headed back. :*

John and Laf’s discussion ended in a stalemate, so they put it up for a vote. John tried to get Alex’s attention, but he just stared at his phone. Alex was too wrapped up in his thoughts to notice that the conversation around him had stopped. He was trying to figure out how he could tell the guys he wanted to go spend time with his girlfriend without sounding like he didn’t want to hang out with them. He really did want to be there and he enjoyed their company, but the thought of being home, cuddling with Eliza and watching some silly videos online, made anything else seem really unappealing.

“Earth to Alexander?” Laf’s voice broke him out of his thoughts, making him wonder how long the three boys had been staring at him. “Where did you go?”

“Oh, uh...Eliza texted me. I guess I just kind of zoned out.” Alex forced a laugh.

“Is ‘Liza okay?” Herc asked.

“Yeah, yeah she’s fine. She just got done with work early, so…”

“If you wanna go that’s cool,” John smiled. “I know I wouldn’t wanna be cramped in this dark room if I had an apartment and a girlfriend waiting for me.” He winked, making Alex blush slightly.

“Yeah man,” Herc started. “We can’t even decide what we wanna do.”  
“That is because _someone_ does not think that a silent movie marathon would be fun.” Laf spat the words at John, who bristled defensively.

“Because it _wouldn’t be._ ” He retorted. “At least not as fun as all four of us playing a game, maybe even on that Wii that you insisted on us setting up for you again, but that you never seem to want to play.”

Lafayette pouted, but when he saw Alex’s face light up, he couldn’t help but crack a smile.

“You guys have a Wii?” Alex was certain this was one of the few times his expression matched his actual emotions. “I’ve always wanted one, I’ve only ever played the demos in stores.”

“Looks like we’re playing some Wii tonight, boys.” Herc stood up, rummaging through the top drawer of his dresser, setting four controllers down on Laf’s bed.

“Alright!” John leapt out of his chair, wrapping his arms around Alex’s shoulders. “I knew there was a reason I liked you so much!” He laughed as he pulled away, Alex laughing in kind.

“You have made a powerful enemy tonight, Hamilton.” Laf seethed from the far corner of his bed. “I will not go easy on you in frisbee golf. I am the undefeated champion”

Alex took a chance and cracked a smug smile, shrugging off Laf’s death glare. “We’ll see about that.”

Lafayette gasped dramatically, feigning offence. The room broke out in laughter, slowly settling into an easy silence while Herc got everything set up for their night of gaming. Alex took the opportunity to send Eliza a quick text.  
  
**Alexander:** Lafayette just challenged me to break his win streak in Wii Sports frisbee golf. Don’t wait up, it’s gonna be a long night. :*


End file.
